So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
