he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
