Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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