I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
