how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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