Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
