it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
