I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
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