all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
