My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Send us your Text From Last Night!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
