Texts From Last Night · taytay_baby

taytay_baby_1227's Favorites Texts:

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(480): View more from Arizona

I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."

(1-480): View more from Arizona

SHUT IT DOWN.

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(903): View more from Texas

Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"

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(419): View more from Ohio

her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.

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(813): View more from Florida

running late. just ran over a dude on a bike

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(519): View more from Ontario

We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents

(1-519): View more from Ontario

I'm down.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials

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(314): View more from Missouri

Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.

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(209): View more from California

is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?

(1-209): View more from California

yes...dear jesus what did you do?

(209): View more from California

bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.

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(850): View more from Florida

It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking

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(440): View more from Ohio

And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link

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(785): View more from Kansas

First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.

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(443): View more from Maryland

My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.

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(719): View more from Colorado

so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

life is too short to starve

(678): View more from Georgia

life is also too short to be fat

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(940): View more from Texas

You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.

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(734): View more from Michigan

it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!

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(301): View more from Maryland

remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school

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(513): View more from Ohio

i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.

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(813): View more from Florida

so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol

(1-813): View more from Florida

well its been awhile since I've surfed

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(713): View more from Texas

Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids

(979): View more from Texas

Ahaha, good shit

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(515): View more from Iowa

Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!

(1-515): View more from Iowa

Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.

(1-864): View more from South Carolina

You should get more absorbent shoes.

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(440): View more from Ohio

My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.

(216): View more from Ohio

whore

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(905): View more from Toronto

just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

you can....by speaking....

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(720): View more from Colorado

well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?

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(804): View more from Virginia

im drinking this country out of the recession.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....

(614): View more from Ohio

We've got ourselves a situation

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(571): View more from Virginia

Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.

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(219): View more from Indiana

so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament

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(979): View more from Texas

I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar

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(406): View more from Montana

she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?

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(703): View more from Virginia

Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)

(540): View more from Virginia

awesome babe! drinks tonight!

(703): View more from Virginia

Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I learned to sign I want to be on you today

(1-309): View more from Illinois

Score

(309): View more from Illinois

Deaf chicks here I come

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(813): View more from Florida

He had one of those small greek statue penises

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(718): View more from New York

he told me my vagina needed a tic tac

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(650): View more from California

barbara walters just said penis...

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(773): View more from Illinois

Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper

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(440): View more from Ohio

thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?

(216): View more from Ohio

... about that ...

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(330): View more from Ohio

Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood

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(773): View more from Illinois

im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me

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(847): View more from Illinois

I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating

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(316): View more from Kansas

Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned

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(214): View more from Texas

I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...

(1-214): View more from Texas

Mike i'm at church right now...

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(650): View more from California

from now on my penis is your penis

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

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(301): View more from Maryland

people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.

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(813): View more from Florida

hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.

(847): View more from Illinois

Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I love having hate sex.

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(512): View more from Texas

he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.

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(785): View more from Kansas

The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..

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(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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(586): View more from Michigan

just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.

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(703): View more from Virginia

i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move

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(940): View more from Texas

Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.

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(678): View more from Georgia

So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving

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(574): View more from Indiana

I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.

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(817): View more from Texas

The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

Don't tempt me, I need beer money.

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(619): View more from California

Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.

(1-619): View more from California

i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!

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(949): View more from California

while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving

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(865): View more from Tennessee

is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?

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(602): View more from Arizona

I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys

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(847): View more from Illinois

everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.

(224): View more from Illinois

it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.

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(216): View more from Ohio

my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?

(1-216): View more from Ohio

i'd get off the bar first.

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(720): View more from Colorado

He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".

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(281): View more from Texas

Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?

(281): View more from Texas

Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"

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(954): View more from Florida

Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...

(1-954): View more from Florida

Is this the gay conversation?

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(858): View more from California

Do you think there is vodka in heaven?

(619): View more from California

you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity

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(612): View more from Minnesota

he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper

(952): View more from Minnesota

Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.

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(510): View more from California

dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive

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(586): View more from Michigan

There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.

(586): View more from Michigan

It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them

(586): View more from Michigan

Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high

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(914): View more from New York

he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3

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(925): View more from California

Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.

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(269): View more from Michigan

We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.

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(616): View more from Michigan

David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?

(773): View more from Illinois

Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I feel like death. Did you die last night?

(305): View more from Florida

Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!

(859): View more from Kentucky

unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus

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(631): View more from New York

so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.

(631): View more from New York

what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK

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(404): View more from Georgia

i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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(954): View more from Florida

I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza

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(407): View more from Florida

sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm

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(305): View more from Florida

I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.

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(518): View more from New York

I hraet yuo

(862): View more from New Jersey

did you say you heart me or hate me?

(518): View more from New York

who is this?

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(716): View more from New York

holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !

(1-716): View more from New York

How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'

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(613): View more from Ontario

There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.

(613): View more from Ontario

This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?

(613): View more from Ontario

Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.

(1-301): View more from Maryland

I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn

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(713): View more from Texas

He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.

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(551): View more from New Jersey

1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?

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(303): View more from Colorado

I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college

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(209): View more from California

this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.

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(516): View more from New York

Are you with Adam and his vodka?

(1-516): View more from New York

Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued

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(636): View more from Missouri

Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.

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(708): View more from Illinois

i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.

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(847): View more from Illinois

just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high

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(801): View more from Utah

just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.

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(830): View more from Texas

just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"

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(310): View more from California

Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?

(770): View more from Georgia

b/c u have herpes

(310): View more from California

No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!

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(520): View more from Arizona

If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

he had to chose between the booze and condoms

(774): View more from Massachusetts

what did he choose?

(857): View more from Massachusetts

the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?

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(208): View more from Idaho

dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here

(1-208): View more from Idaho

what the hell does that mean?

(208): View more from Idaho

nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on

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(336): View more from North Carolina

If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed

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(408): View more from California

you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face

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(419): View more from Ohio

Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"

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(630): View more from Illinois

He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.

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(410): View more from Maryland

this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.

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(303): View more from Colorado

friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension

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(914): View more from New York

My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.

(845): View more from New York

She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?

(914): View more from New York

well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey

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(304): View more from West Virginia

STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!

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(630): View more from Illinois

You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

That wasn't intended for you, my bad.

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(516): View more from New York

i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.

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(251): View more from Alabama

you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

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(734): View more from Michigan

swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.

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(949): View more from California

went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.

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(818): View more from California

I'm like cupid

(1-818): View more from California

You're a whore with a bow and arrow

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(913): View more from Kansas

I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Are you pooping in the stall next to me?

(404): View more from Georgia

Maybe....

(540): View more from Virginia

Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.

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(614): View more from Ohio

We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.

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(916): View more from California

The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.

(1405): View more from

I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

did you fuck him yet?

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?

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(703): View more from Virginia

we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit

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(219): View more from Indiana

my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus

(317): View more from Indiana

and who said we didn't have goals?

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(410): View more from Maryland

If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.

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(559): View more from California

i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...

(559): View more from California

...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!

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(806): View more from Texas

A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"

(501): View more from Arkansas

Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...

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(859): View more from Kentucky

The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.

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(312): View more from Illinois

i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it

(917): View more from New York City

the suitcase or the dildo?

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(954): View more from Florida

I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Well how do you think I feel

(860): View more from Connecticut

fair enough

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.

(1-813): View more from Florida

Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people

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(949): View more from California

just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?

(1-515): View more from Iowa

Eco-friendly.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?

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(410): View more from Maryland

So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.

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(480): View more from Arizona

My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.

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(256): View more from Alabama

so my dad walked in on us having sex

(1-256): View more from Alabama

lulz really? why?

(256): View more from Alabama

lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time

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(785): View more from Kansas

Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.

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(813): View more from Florida

yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing

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(859): View more from Kentucky

you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.

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(845): View more from New York

We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?

(1-845): View more from New York

Who won mens moguls?

(845): View more from New York

That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...

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(904): View more from Florida

took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I just woke up to me licking the dognuts

(623): View more from Arizona

You mean Doughnuts?

(602): View more from Arizona

......No :(

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(907): View more from Alaska

Tell me the dirtiest joke you know

(1-907): View more from Alaska

Sarah Palin

(907): View more from Alaska

god, I love you

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please

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(636): View more from Missouri

His little brother walked in on us. Six times.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I told you not to have sex with her on my futon

(612): View more from Minnesota

I didnt dude, i swear!

(952): View more from Minnesota

either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon

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(708): View more from Illinois

so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..

(614): View more from Ohio

ya and it worked didnt it??

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(440): View more from Ohio

One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Dude she let me cum on her face

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning

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(951): View more from California

So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.

(909): View more from California

dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(

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(716): View more from New York

My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.

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(816): View more from Missouri

and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours

(816): View more from Missouri

outstanding.

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(208): View more from Idaho

you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.

(1-208): View more from Idaho

did we at least go back and get it?

(208): View more from Idaho

how else do you think we got jack in the box...?

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(816): View more from Missouri

You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"

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(269): View more from Michigan

So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow

(1-269): View more from Michigan

Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10

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(757): View more from Virginia

im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?

(804): View more from Virginia

who says it cant be both...

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?

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(847): View more from Illinois

woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.

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(314): View more from Missouri

last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.

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(404): View more from Georgia

where are you?

(1-404): View more from Georgia

sonic

(404): View more from Georgia

Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.

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(760): View more from California

I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"

(760): View more from California

When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."

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(404): View more from Georgia

Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis

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(607): View more from New York

The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.

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(443): View more from Maryland

God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.

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(812): View more from Indiana

About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.

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(347): View more from New York

last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake

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(860): View more from Connecticut

The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one

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(443): View more from Maryland

Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.

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(972): View more from Texas

Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...

(214): View more from Texas

Was she wearing cherry chapstick??

(972): View more from Texas

No. Life's not always a fairytale.....

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(407): View more from Florida

the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.

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(478): View more from Georgia

I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day

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(404): View more from Georgia

he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?

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(586): View more from Michigan

The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate

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(815): View more from Illinois

I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?

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(661): View more from California

so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park

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(908): View more from New Jersey

this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This is sufficient.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.

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(415): View more from California

How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?

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(734): View more from Michigan

I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.

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(647): View more from Ontario

47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.

(1-647): View more from Ontario

Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?

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(607): View more from New York

haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.

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(480): View more from Arizona

the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.

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(954): View more from Florida

I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(702): View more from Nevada

You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year

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(713): View more from Texas

then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate

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(678): View more from Georgia

so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.

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(785): View more from Kansas

You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.

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(512): View more from Texas

I pooped in a mop bucket.

(1-512): View more from Texas

WTF???

(512): View more from Texas

Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that

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(805): View more from California

we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend

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(765): View more from Indiana

At least we don't have one night stands

(1-765): View more from Indiana

True that. We sink our claws in our men.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.

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(313): View more from Michigan

i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology

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(678): View more from Georgia

All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

(404): View more from Georgia

You mean bread?

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(574): View more from Indiana

some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous

(1-574): View more from Indiana

class

(574): View more from Indiana

he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson

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(415): View more from California

I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?

(510): View more from California

I hope so

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(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Dude, just got a bummer.

(1-502): View more from Kentucky

What??

(502): View more from Kentucky

A blow job from a homeless chick.

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(347): View more from New York

i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.

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(914): View more from New York

ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol

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(802): View more from Vermont

my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???

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(406): View more from Montana

someone owes me an orgasm

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(404): View more from Georgia

Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!

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(501): View more from Arkansas

My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.

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