youre lurking in front of me
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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