Texts From Last Night · panicstate's Favorites

Sorry blondie_07 hasn't picked any favorites yet.

panicstate's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(420): View more from

I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.

Fav 5 3282 1023
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.

Fav 17 5171 1071
share tweet

(847): View more from Illinois

The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.

Fav 6 2419 981
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.

Fav 13 1185 2193
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.

Fav 5 2201 800
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.

Fav 16 3684 947
share tweet

(586): View more from Michigan

somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car

Fav 6 1140 2455
share tweet

(410): View more from Maryland

Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.

Fav 9 3881 1450
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.

Fav 7 3016 1516
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.

Fav 7 3135 1249
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.

Fav 9 3038 1185
share tweet

(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home

Fav 12 3783 1156
share tweet

(518): View more from New York

Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.

Fav 9 3638 1364
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My vibrator challenges you to a duel.

Fav 18 4239 1448
share tweet

(678): View more from Georgia

Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out

Fav 9 4625 1293
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....

Fav 9 3032 1075
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.

Fav 4 2437 1314
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.

Fav 15 3502 1489
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places

Fav 7 5922 1398
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.

Fav 12 7474 1483
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.

Fav 21 7667 1664
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

Fav 14 12314 1861
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.

Fav 10 3344 1139
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP

Fav 11 5322 1891
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.

Fav 11 1234 5811
share tweet
(619): View more from California

he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up

Fav 5 2425 1297
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.

Fav 10 1508 2622
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.

Fav 14 5390 1675
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.

Fav 5 1665 2018
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right

Fav 3 4315 1286
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.

Fav 5 3302 1020
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?

Fav 4 3681 1056
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.

Fav 20 9290 1514
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens

Fav 49 854 3629
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE

Fav 21 4458 1909
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

It was kind of weird

(857): View more from Massachusetts

What did your mom walk in?

(516): View more from New York

She flung her tampon across the room.

Fav 6 924 4754
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend

(1-727): View more from Florida

Awkward

Fav 13 960 3454
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.

Fav 3 1987 1075
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..

Fav 8 1315 2315
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am

Fav 11 2884 1854
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK

Fav 10 1677 3282
share tweet
(61): View more from Australia

Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed

Fav 10 5011 1304
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame

Fav 6 5734 1501
share tweet
(805): View more from California

there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you

Fav 7 1052 3011
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them

Fav 4 2488 1156
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea

Fav 9 2497 1533
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you

Fav 12 4288 1317
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it

Fav 3 2383 980
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I smell like Captain Morgan and tears

Fav 11 1661 3039
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.

Fav 23 4077 1496
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp

Fav 32 2307 4827
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.

Fav 29 7266 1512
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.

Fav 14 2518 1735
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.

Fav 15 1348 3560
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...

Fav 10 2693 1675
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?

Fav 15 1409 2659
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.

Fav 8 1392 3312
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

We left an ass print on the piano.

Fav 23 4272 1227
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.

Fav 10 1737 2492
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?

Fav 8 2779 1160
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.

Fav 14 1752 3711
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button

Fav 50 9972 3495
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.

Fav 22 2277 8997
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade

Fav 9 4902 1387
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.

Fav 8 3943 1321
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.

Fav 9 4125 1222
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

What happened to him?

(1-501): View more from Arkansas

He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum

Fav 4 4265 924
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.

(928): View more from Arizona

wow.

(815): View more from Illinois

But it's a REALLY good back rub.

Fav 27 5441 1272
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.

Fav 73 8915 1734
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink

Fav 12 7587 1500
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

Fav 50 20774 2680
share tweet
(510): View more from California

just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?

Fav 7 3915 1209
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I wonder if you can snort coke upside down

Fav 20 1669 3261
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!

Fav 60 2245 5593
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

i want to swaddle you in tequila

Fav 4 2904 1093
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

Fav 37 16399 1540
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.

Fav 13 3699 1454
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working

Fav 11 3744 1143
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.

Fav 3 3008 1160
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse

Fav 3 3262 1186
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again

Fav 25 7023 1608
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.

Fav 3 3521 1031
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I drank myself into bisexuality again.

Fav 16 6461 1499
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.

Fav 9 5589 1223
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.

Fav 5 3116 1388
share tweet
(339): View more from Massachusetts

he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool

Fav 5 2516 1572
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.

Fav 11 866 2534
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.

Fav 15 4820 1342
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids

Fav 12 1425 4844
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.

Fav 6 2471 1437
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.

Fav 29 1484 6270
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.

Fav 6 5733 1268
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

im gay

(203): View more from Connecticut

i know

(914): View more from New York

yea but for you.

Fav 20 2584 3436
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

where's my purse there's an important taco in it

Fav 19 7808 1438
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you

Fav 19 4988 1441
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.

Fav 15 5587 1658
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.

Fav 10 2029 3358
share tweet
(+66): View more from Thailand

A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure

Fav 24 7181 2151
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.

(630): View more from Illinois

Thats like the definition of a good friend

Fav 4 5352 1273
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

The pine trees are waving at me.

(907): View more from Alaska

Put the pipe down honey.

(253): View more from Washington

Hi trees.

Fav 17 8657 2177
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?

Fav 14 5613 1160
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers

Fav 14 4072 1521
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...

Fav 5 4844 1152
share tweet
(925): View more from California

I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't

Fav 29 6454 1593
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

She even gives head with a lisp.

Fav 17 2847 5206
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.

(336): View more from North Carolina

"people in the room" being me.

Fav 12 5969 1644
share tweet
(226): View more from Ontario

Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again

Fav 5 2161 3531
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.

Fav 4 3011 1329
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.

(518): View more from New York

I am in love with you.

Fav 5 5555 1278
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents

Fav 8 3308 1153
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful

Fav 8 1736 4213
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours

Fav 15 13871 1581
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.

Fav 3 3849 1724
share tweet
(435): View more from Utah

this will be a night to untag.

Fav 6 8198 1572
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!

(218): View more from Minnesota

I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.

Fav 29 5248 2251
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

Fav 34 15078 1926
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...

Fav 6 1439 3220
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.

Fav 8 3315 1033
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.

Fav 16 12279 1355
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...

Fav 6 6538 1144
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.

Fav 13 6210 1340
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?

Fav 9 6544 1275
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him

Fav 14 6216 1921
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck

Fav 20 6710 1846
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?

(1-218): View more from Minnesota

Both?

Fav 21 9778 1537
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.

Fav 10 4241 1547
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy

Fav 12 5654 1473
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.

Fav 11 5142 1705
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory

Fav 3 3076 1159
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?

Fav 79 16393 3381
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?

Fav 48 4503 1760
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

You know i think she's just using me for sex

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

I hate you.

Fav 13 5835 1688
share tweet
(707): View more from California

You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.

Fav 6 4575 1515
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.

Fav 15 3392 6132
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.

Fav 13 4206 1396
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....

Fav 16 1889 3628
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza

Fav 13 5147 2517
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.

Fav 91 2154 25267
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.

Fav 16 1838 7781
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love

Fav 15 5787 1387
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night

Fav 13 1914 4748
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Dude you has no fucking this poptart

(719): View more from Colorado

What?

(843): View more from South Carolina

I dont know to explain this.

Fav 35 7090 1828
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working

Fav 7 1335 3814
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

New game: find the sober person in Tbell

Fav 8 4868 1156
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came

Fav 16 7489 1416
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.

Fav 16 1481 3905
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.

Fav 7 3313 1374
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything

Fav 10 3907 1701
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.

Fav 16 5479 1454
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.

Fav 10 1355 3793
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.

(415): View more from California

Why?

(206): View more from Washington

Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.

Fav 15 2070 4747
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.

Fav 5 3379 4605
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....

Fav 5 5463 1220
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY

Fav 14 7168 1605
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.

Fav 49 5953 1160
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.

Fav 64 17762 2112
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

youre welcome

Fav 10 6105 1375
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.

Fav 9 3912 1385
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"

Fav 46 2478 8355
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"

Fav 9 1547 6706
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

Fav 31 15540 2219
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

Fav 11 13930 1743
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong

Fav 25 1613 5760
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!

Fav 49 3514 5497
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.

Fav 25 6251 1524
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?

Fav 11 1893 4372
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.

Fav 16 4904 1405
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"

Fav 15 5388 1555
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.

Fav 14 5991 1289
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.

Fav 14 1299 4104
share tweet
(819): View more from Quebec

She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad

Fav 15 3498 1567
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.

Fav 20 4007 1771
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.

Fav 20 1916 4272
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time

Fav 19 5788 1344
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him

Fav 36 7699 2443
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay

Fav 44 1689 8933
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.

Fav 19 4745 1752
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.

Fav 27 1599 7594
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.

Fav 16 5452 1362
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

Fav 48 13248 2050
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.

Fav 15 6148 1365
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.

Fav 10 6620 1700
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.

Fav 21 1581 5625
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

you should give me head with plastic fangs in

Fav 59 2673 9130
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

And the cops told us we were all naked.

Fav 15 7026 1487
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

it's like her boobs came off with her bra

Fav 55 2005 16024
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't

Fav 20 3503 2850
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.

Fav 29 10055 1835
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.

Fav 21 8916 1547
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.

Fav 8 4948 1665
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"

Fav 21 1900 5943
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...

Fav 13 5215 1429
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.

(714): View more from California

Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."

Fav 37 10358 2112
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.

Fav 18 6950 1401
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.

Fav 16 3375 1612
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.

Fav 40 5767 1868
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it

Fav 65 5517 2263
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?

Fav 19 5465 1241
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Heybabeimwearingurpanties

Fav 15 1228 2032
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.

(478): View more from Georgia

I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.

Fav 28 6242 1624
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours

Fav 11 4991 1122
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us

Fav 3 3147 1063
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.

Fav 27 1623 5416
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"

Fav 11 8457 1524
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.

Fav 44 13894 1616
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?

Fav 22 5531 1659
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again

Fav 13 3967 1264
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.

Fav 19 11123 1677
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.

Fav 28 6182 1301
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.

(1-513): View more from Ohio

Not having phil's child is good enough.

Fav 19 6716 1250
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.

Fav 11 4209 1611
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone

Fav 4 4645 1237
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many

Fav 8 5241 1434
share tweet
(339): View more from Massachusetts

just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.

Fav 39 8933 1602
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

Fav 32 10089 2434
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.

Fav 17 7517 1408
share tweet
(714): View more from California

drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.

Fav 26 8559 1834
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?

Fav 44 1577 9234
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?

Fav 27 7536 1410
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Fav 20 7487 1935
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.

Fav 29 6870 1549
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

Fav 17 16525 1701
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...

Fav 17 6615 1455
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on

Fav 54 10462 1232
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

How long until YT realizes that it's a man?

Fav 1 845 1087
share tweet
(209): View more from California

kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.

Fav 23 5650 1216
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other

(413): View more from Massachusetts

and it's going to stay that way

Fav 11 1129 3218
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.

Fav 26 14204 1599
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer

Fav 42 3920 1258
share tweet
(310): View more from California

It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...

Fav 69 1739 4840
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

splinters make it hard to masturbate

Fav 20 1203 7107
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop

Fav 21 6801 1380
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian

Fav 5 3890 1434
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.

Fav 40 5409 3692
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...

Fav 74 2057 12531
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk

Fav 29 4342 1711
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'

Fav 28 7933 1109
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner

Fav 20 5161 966
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with

Fav 2 1913 698
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now

Fav 9 1771 4896
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.

Fav 31 1163 5045
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

my sisters under your porch take her home

Fav 10 5101 1413
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.

(847): View more from Illinois

parking. I am not drunk

Fav 9 1343 857
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside

Fav 26 5631 946
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago

(404): View more from Georgia

so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?

Fav 30 9093 1448
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.

Fav 5 924 1478
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.

Fav 19 1638 5852
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza

Fav 24 6922 1801
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"

Fav 19 7422 2466
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.

Fav 17 9341 1220
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.

Fav 24 2214 7168
share tweet
(408): View more from California

Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.

Fav 10 3915 1451
share tweet
(308): View more from Nebraska

i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .

Fav 17 8559 1535
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.

Fav 26 11655 1539
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.

Fav 29 12048 1723
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST

(602): View more from Arizona

I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!

Fav 36 7419 1336
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

it was like fucking gandolphs beard

Fav 30 1267 7179
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.

Fav 14 1550 8080
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal

Fav 25 5178 2238
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.

Fav 55 3005 15629
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift

Fav 52 6153 2265
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.

Fav 22 7357 1404
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...

(1-513): View more from Ohio

God I fucking love America.

Fav 45 9497 1511
share tweet
(408): View more from California

You drunk yet?

(925): View more from California

Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.

(408): View more from California

Cant make any promises.

Fav 9 5044 919
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

Fav 249 68661 3916
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.

Fav 25 7675 1253
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems

Fav 19 4740 1290
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

we convinced you the moon was a planet...again

Fav 23 7476 1284
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

Fav 842 146092 10744
share tweet
(408): View more from California

hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)

(650): View more from California

nah, i'm gonna grab some food

Fav 122 5058 36757
share tweet
(308): View more from Nebraska

I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad

Fav 105 4842 68213
share tweet
(619): View more from California

just caught grandpa beating off in the living room

Fav 128 8700 62495
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.

Fav 111 2917 36821
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?

(516): View more from New York

one can only hope.

Fav 33 5785 1039
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl

Fav 2 1024 1451
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

Fav 1642 173852 44315
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

Fav 225 8811 73987
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.

Fav 30 4294 961
share tweet
(310): View more from California

ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

Fav 175 7673 81658
share tweet
(325): View more from Texas

wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"

Fav 100 8303 61690
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Two?

(404): View more from Georgia

Two.

Fav 264 5195 80175
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

Fav 534 137221 6911
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

Fav 148 8159 70873
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

Fav 156 7727 42053
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.

Fav 26 9532 1650
share tweet
(530): View more from California

Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.

Fav 27 1072 7611
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

so my dad walked in on us having sex

(1-256): View more from Alabama

lulz really? why?

(256): View more from Alabama

lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time

Fav 75 1921 11611
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out

Fav 106 21756 1483
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex

(703): View more from Virginia

I'm on my period, period, period

Fav 72 2287 16366
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit

Fav 51 2753 14320
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.

Fav 20 2083 7611
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

I told you not to have sex with her on my futon

(612): View more from Minnesota

I didnt dude, i swear!

(952): View more from Minnesota

either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon

Fav 19 3057 7016
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.

Fav 85 11152 2920
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

Fav 46 21531 1605
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.

Fav 43 10144 1064
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.

Fav 20 11630 1808
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

he fucked me so hard my future children felt it

Fav 43 11753 1214
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This is sufficient.

Fav 73 13001 1466
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.

Fav 37 20297 1343
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

just left the emergency room. condom extraction.

Fav 30 1347 11420
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.

Fav 154 2056 41402
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you

Fav 32 1607 8821
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

Fav 75 24982 1724
share tweet
(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

Fav 51 31566 1783
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..

Fav 61 18437 1590
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.

Fav 98 1669 22777
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

Fav 209 64411 3036
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.

Fav 61 1279 11307
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY

Fav 47 3553 15036
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

Fav 298 76377 3427
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!

(1-314): View more from Missouri

What?

(314): View more from Missouri

I have a yeast infection.

Fav 180 2620 29259
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

Fav 91 22467 3683
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

Fav 355 8564 49741
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

Fav 34 16506 1558
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me

Fav 22 7048 1377
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table

(1-256): View more from Alabama

whatd she say to you?

(256): View more from Alabama

no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle

Fav 60 2412 8793
share tweet
(831): View more from California

I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.

Fav 15 9304 1176
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.

Fav 18 8096 1452
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!

(615): View more from Tennessee

I don't wanna die...

Fav 10 7155 1590
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.

Fav 68 12564 3324
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys

Fav 17 6242 2745
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.

Fav 18 7107 1160
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone

Fav 32 7424 1164
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'

Fav 23 3553 4326
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

Fav 57 14524 5762
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.

Fav 9 6413 1132
share tweet
(974): View more from

You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.

Fav 28 8252 1199
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

Fav 124 42103 3339
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.

Fav 31 16167 1311
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

Fav 74 19052 1434
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

Fav 31 11900 1552
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history

Fav 17 4530 981
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I really wanna talk..

(1-817): View more from Texas

if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down

Fav 82 8306 1250
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.

Fav 56 1346 5274
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?

(1-613): View more from Ontario

not a thing

(613): View more from Ontario

walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom

Fav 19 1234 5483
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.

Fav 26 1168 4128
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.

Fav 15 5967 1257
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent

(770): View more from Georgia

don't you ever do that...

Fav 29 4845 1241
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?

Fav 38 9112 1068
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

you would not believe what I got pierced last night...

(540): View more from Virginia

son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.

Fav 61 2229 6761
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname

Fav 62 7813 1224
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.

Fav 60 7737 1606
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?

Fav 72 21716 4259
share tweet