Texts From Last Night · fairamar's Favorites

fairamar's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(408): View more from California

We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.

Fav 6 1626 674
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian

Fav 2 2244 783
share tweet

(712): View more from Iowa

I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.

Fav 3 1374 668
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.

Fav 3 1643 971
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)

Fav 6 1808 805
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins

Fav 7 3422 1185
share tweet

(904): View more from Florida

My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.

Fav 19 3725 1060
share tweet

(864): View more from South Carolina

Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.

Fav 6 2440 824
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

Fav 154 67660 4391
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

Fav 202 82798 5240
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

Fav 510 88706 9680
share tweet

(303): View more from Colorado

I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome

Fav 4 1704 776
share tweet

(+61): View more from Australia

I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.

(1+61): View more from

Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.

Fav 5 2028 1007
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

And I might get them triple pierced after that

(631): View more from New York

Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors

Fav 13 1383 800
share tweet

(541): View more from Oregon

Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.

Fav 3 1374 844
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.

Fav 10 1898 886
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.

Fav 9 2611 813
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.

Fav 2 1807 817
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.

Fav 6 1829 1009
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.

Fav 9 2896 826
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.

Fav 16 2463 1068
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?

Fav 9 2060 859
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.

Fav 6 2171 1156
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis

Fav 14 4096 1004
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex

(312): View more from Illinois

I was drunk

(312): View more from Illinois

Please answer

Fav 16 925 2949
share tweet
(831): View more from California

She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"

Fav 26 5331 1042
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.

(1-207): View more from Maine

They want yo temporarily sterile ass.

Fav 9 1746 737
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.

Fav 12 4123 1128
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.

Fav 7 6282 1804
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade

Fav 22 2300 3712
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in

Fav 5 3090 1466
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.

Fav 31 4656 1485
share tweet
(949): View more from California

I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.

Fav 14 4302 1486
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.

(1-360): View more from Washington

oh. my. god. yes.

Fav 14 6280 1871
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time

Fav 21 7127 1710
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina

Fav 31 4217 1758
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.

Fav 8 4986 998
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class

Fav 10 3514 1301
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

He asked if I wanted to "hang out"

(410): View more from Maryland

A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"

Fav 9 3501 1505
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.

Fav 5 4682 1917
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.

Fav 21 5846 3066
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.

Fav 27 1775 7746
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes

Fav 9 4359 1322
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves

Fav 28 5565 1340
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.

Fav 23 1338 5021
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same

Fav 6 2876 1627
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..

Fav 49 3275 5497
share tweet
(415): View more from California

When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

Fav 17 9867 1514
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b

Fav 9 1754 4850
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.

Fav 16 3897 1659
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.

Fav 11 6098 1310
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.

Fav 25 1236 4766
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.

Fav 16 4537 2192
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?

Fav 7 3788 1445
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us

Fav 13 1733 3221
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.

Fav 8 3818 1277
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week

Fav 13 1574 4206
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.

Fav 3 3091 1033
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.

(1-352): View more from Florida

Oh God. You're going to jail

Fav 30 6472 1962
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.

Fav 15 4531 1189
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout

Fav 6 2775 1595
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.

Fav 12 1217 3792
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people

Fav 8 4420 1565
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u

Fav 21 4497 1332
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.

Fav 9 1980 4887
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,

Fav 19 4730 1369
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.

Fav 32 2173 7995
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.

Fav 20 8427 1468
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...

(1-817): View more from Texas

Actually, she's fat now, so...

(817): View more from Texas

Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.

Fav 27 2305 5538
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts

Fav 17 7129 1292
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis

Fav 12 4619 1236
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.

Fav 15 6610 1401
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.

Fav 30 8250 1361
share tweet
(325): View more from Texas

She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...

Fav 38 4343 2600
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"

Fav 6 2600 1542
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

Fav 290 63939 5489
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.

Fav 12 9066 1269
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

he confused my yawn for an orgasm

Fav 14 1382 6937
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers

Fav 27 8015 1288
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.

Fav 19 7002 1964
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.

Fav 61 2156 11567
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.

Fav 9 5242 1646
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.

(404): View more from Georgia

Is it any good?

(615): View more from Tennessee

Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.

Fav 46 3978 925
share tweet
(415): View more from California

We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.

Fav 11 1925 2263
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love

Fav 17 8886 1365
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.

Fav 22 4884 1227
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.

Fav 29 7566 1426
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.

Fav 45 9488 3067
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system

Fav 18 5224 1191
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?

Fav 14 4555 1508
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".

Fav 23 5433 2010
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.

Fav 9 1519 3780
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis

Fav 2 4696 960
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.

Fav 26 6475 1324
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".

Fav 22 8541 2215
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.

Fav 8 1554 4286
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Am I supposed to find that romantic?

Fav 19 7155 2828
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

What's a "vodkaffle"?

(608): View more from Wisconsin

It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.

Fav 10 4499 1312
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.

Fav 5 4949 1212
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....

Fav 10 6714 1821
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You could give me a blowjob later? :)

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I meant do something romantic..

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Blowjob In the moonlight?

Fav 13 6614 1852
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.

(704): View more from North Carolina

How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?

(301): View more from Maryland

Salt in an open wound right now.

Fav 17 2019 5588
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.

Fav 15 4053 1559
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

Fav 55 22257 1880
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table

Fav 24 1526 4632
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?

Fav 18 8090 1266
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.

Fav 19 6540 1366
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.

Fav 30 6069 2326
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.

Fav 21 6671 1269
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I don't remember. Are we still dating?

Fav 21 1566 5737
share tweet
(661): View more from California

I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...

Fav 11 3936 1156
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.

Fav 16 4750 1041
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.

Fav 20 2420 5840
share tweet
(925): View more from California

2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.

Fav 74 12294 1660
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.

Fav 22 929 5318
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.

Fav 89 14466 1616
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

ra ra ra ah ah

(573): View more from Missouri

wtf?

(636): View more from Missouri

sexting lady gaga style

Fav 59 5532 1878
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.

Fav 48 5509 1992
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

yea ive hooked up with like half those guys

(1-440): View more from Ohio

and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag

Fav 33 7086 1237
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry

Fav 127 5520 1444
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever

Fav 51 11495 1748
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...

Fav 29 5715 1306
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.

Fav 16 1436 4994
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

69 |D_O

(1-602): View more from Arizona

wtf does that mean??

(602): View more from Arizona

it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"

Fav 59 7876 1427
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?

Fav 16 5285 1114
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.

Fav 22 6729 1542
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

Fav 76 17029 2585
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz

Fav 87 16561 3466
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.

Fav 47 5288 1148
share tweet
(650): View more from California

There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.

(650): View more from California

I tried to assassinate the ginger baby

Fav 28 2196 1260
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter

Fav 36 2354 6046
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?

Fav 25 10617 1059
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

toast her oven

(1-248): View more from Michigan

toast her strudel

(248): View more from Michigan

inspect her gadget

Fav 7 2907 1041
share tweet
(661): View more from California

Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.

Fav 22 5916 1843
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now

Fav 27 5530 1708
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe

Fav 14 3957 1684
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends

Fav 7 4101 1377
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.

Fav 23 4100 1068
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

Redeem this text for a blowjob

Fav 46 19211 1404
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

Fav 91 22467 3683
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

Fav 125 48818 2421
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

Fav 362 61938 8169
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

Fav 131 63486 2872
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

Fav 209 64411 3036
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

Fav 298 76377 3427
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I cont stop tolking in a british axsent

Fav 45 4412 1362
share tweet
(714): View more from California

so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)

(1-714): View more from California

i'm so jealous of you right now.

Fav 57 9382 1917
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

Fav 388 41770 4645
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"

Fav 41 14363 1970
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."

Fav 20 9286 2023
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Pappa wants mamma naked

Fav 5 1399 1127
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

Why are you ignoring all of my texts?

(1-765): View more from Indiana

The power was out.

Fav 17 1598 4542
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.

(1-214): View more from Texas

oh fuck your right

Fav 21 4761 1195
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena

Fav 42 7891 1049
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina

Fav 104 12822 1193
share tweet
(949): View more from California

i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit

Fav 13 3578 1360
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

Fav 29 12046 2998
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

doooooooo herrrrrrrrr

(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm out of practice. be my yoda

(314): View more from Missouri

put your penis in her you must.

Fav 58 18818 1507
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??

(1-925): View more from California

Yes. Yes it is.

Fav 12 4739 2160
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.

Fav 32 2032 7407
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

Fav 35 10253 1635
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.

Fav 23 8746 5539
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?

Fav 17 4063 1585
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.

Fav 178 4434 1235
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.

Fav 42 6661 2121
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message

Fav 9 6005 1390
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.

Fav 17 5901 993
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children

(1-802): View more from Vermont

actually, i try not to think about it

(802): View more from Vermont

and i pooped them out

Fav 54 8387 2193
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.

Fav 11 7160 1534
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.

Fav 166 29080 3215
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

Fav 35 30640 1936
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

Fav 111 40361 3924
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

Fav 185 53787 3102
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

Fav 134 45577 2413
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

Fav 206 89715 8271
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

Fav 184 96421 5743
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Getting food. Want anything?

(1-949): View more from California

Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce

Fav 7 2391 974
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.

Fav 20 1781 7434
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.

Fav 117 4856 1908
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

Fav 182 53564 2639
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

I have two black x marks on my hands.

(503): View more from Oregon

Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

(971): View more from Oregon

damnit I wish I could remember that.

Fav 58 27724 1894
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

I need a leather bustier to keep them in.

(925): View more from California

Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.

Fav 26 6466 1078
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.

Fav 61 5574 2625
share tweet