pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
