Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
