my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
i drank out of a bidet.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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