I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
