So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
