I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
