you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
