I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
