Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
