I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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