Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
