hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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