We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
