I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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