I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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