you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
