i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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