i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
