if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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