he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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