I think my fart just growled at me.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
