I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
