After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
