i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
i think i just lost a toe
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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