My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Randomize
