I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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