I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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