Pregnant stripper...not hot.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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