I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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