So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Randomize
