you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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