Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
So much rum. So many feels.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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