I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
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