So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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