Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
