Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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