dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
