Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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